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Marriages May
End But Families Are Forever
by: Malti Bhojwani
It was at that time when our marriage was falling apart and we
completely hated each other when we needed to work constructively as
parents, as our child’s world was crumbling too.
I have been divorced for over five years now and have a beautiful
eleven year old daughter. My ex-husband has re married. They now
have a baby girl. I get along very well with my ex husband and his
wife and there are many reasons for this friendship.
Deciding to have a child was a separate commitment from the one
we made to marry each other. So, from the time we divorced, we
decided that we would not let that come in the way of us
constructively being her parents.
Yes, but it was hard as we were both very childish back then. We
both did terrible things to each other. He hid her passport and
often threatened to take her away from me. I threatened to get a
restraining order in place, such that he could not come within a
certain radius of me. There was name-calling that lasted for months.
We each competed for her love and affection and we each thought we
were “better”. Luckily, both of us grew up and owned up to our
respective childishness.
We had a few bad-examples around us to show us what we did not
want for her and we genuinely started to cooperate.
I realised that no one apart from him has her best interest at
heart as much as me. I also realised later when he was about to
re-marry that I didn’t want my daughter to have to be with a Fairy
Tale ‘Wicked Step Mother’. With these things in mind, I decided
consciously to prioritise this friendship between my ex husband and
myself, initially and then later, when he re married, I made choices
to encourage a healthy and working friendship between his wife and
myself, respecting her role as his wife and my daughter’s step
mother and often seeking her support and opinions. I was careful
never to cross the boundaries or to take advantage of the fact that
I too was once married to him, for example, I never referred to my
ex husband and me as “we” in front of her. I appreciate her
influence in my daughter’s life. I discovered that people generally
have so much to contribute to others, if we would only let them. I
learnt from them too that when in a relationship or marriage, it was
very healthy to encourage your current partner to tolerate and
accept your ex spouse being discussed politely in the household.
What the experts think
You may think that this is about sacrificing and giving in but
really it’s about being selfish. This is an approach preferred by
Dr. Ron Wilkinson, PH.D, a psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, with 23
years clinical experience working with families. In my discussions
with him, he said “I encourage parents to be goal-oriented and
selfish. In our culture, ‘selfish’ tends to be seen as a dirty word.
In a more pure sense, however, a selfish person is someone who gets
what they want.” When each parent sees that there is something in it
for them, to have a friendship with the ex-husband, for example,
getting to look like the good guy, it makes the whole task easier to
do.
Family functioning has been the major emphasis of Dr. Wilkinson’s
study and training at both the master's and doctoral level. He has
treated many families struggling with this very issue, and has found
time and again that nothing is more important to a child's life
post-divorce than the relationship between the two parents. Both his
clinical and personal experience was confirmed by his 1992 research:
that the parents' relationship, more than anything else, determines
the child's post-divorce functioning.
A child, even a grown up one, is not concerned with who is right
and who is wrong. They are concerned with having a relationship with
both parents—regardless of their age.
All this requires fortitude and focus on the goal and not
allowing the day to day irritations to get to you. In my training
and experiences as a Life Coach and a parent, I learnt to practice
the art of Responding versus Reacting. A reaction is automatic, not
thought through consequentially, whereas a response is chosen.
Between an action and its reaction there is a space, and in that
space is the opportunity to choose. Responding is using that space
to make that choice and to do or say what will get you closer to
your goal rather than away from it. In your dealings with your ex
spouse, always remind yourself that your goal is having a working
and pleasant relationship with them and it is your goal because of
what it’s going to bring YOU. Not just your child.
Develop the habit of carefully choosing your responses instead of
impulsively reacting to each other.
Trust is one of the most important ingredients in this
relationship. Remember that we are dealing here with your Flesh and
Blood, and your ex-husband’s Flesh and Blood too. Both need to feel
that the other will do what he/she says they will.
Win Win
Another thing that helps is to be polite “Please” and “Thank you”
will get you very far. —just remember “you catch more flies with
honey than with vinegar”. In that way you win and your child wins.
Of course, your ex spouse also wins. In human relationships, such as
marriage and co-parenting either both partners actually win or
actually lose. And when one wins at the expense of the other, the
one who really loses is the child. So, although sometimes, revenge
may seem sweet, check yourself and notice that the only ones who
suffer and lose is your child.
Dr. Rick Hanson PH.D says that about 90% of what enables divorced
parents to work well together is exactly what enables married
parents to work well together, including personal well-being,
insight into oneself, emotional openness, civility, empathy,
goodwill, clarity about the values and principles that guide
parenting practices, and skill at negotiating practical
arrangements. The other 10% has to do with things like keeping one's
feelings about the divorce compartmentalised away from the business
of co-parenting, working out the details of money, custody,
vacations, grandparents and integrating new friends/lovers/mates.
Employing the services of a Life Coach can make this a lot easier.
If all else fails, Dr. Hanson suggests - imagine that a video
recording is being made of your discussion/quarrel/fight with your
ex- and your children will be viewing it at some time in the future:
how do you want to appear?
It’s okay to love them
Often children feel torn between two parents, this happens within
marriages, and definitely in divorced families. It was important for
my daughter to see that I was not jealous or hurt that she loved her
step mom and her half sister too. We have pictures all over our
place of her little half sister. I did not want to separate my
child’s family from her.
There is nothing easy about this, and don’t let anyone convince
you otherwise. It is hard work. But it’s worth it. When we make a
decision to have a child, it is a lifetime commitment and a promise
to provide this child with all they need. Divorce may happen but
does that mean that we deprive our child of their family? It’s never
too late to start building this alliance.
Get clear on what you want for your child and yourself. Think
ahead into the future-how it will impact your child when, because of
your choices; only one parent is at their graduation, in the
hospital waiting room when they get hurt or sick, or at their
wedding? Children need both parents and if through a little hard
work and perseverance, you can ensure that your child has that, why
not do your part?
Ron Wilkinson, Ph.D. A psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, with 23
years clinical experience working with families. On a more personal
note he co-parented his two sons, now 21 and 24, with his ex-wife
for the last 13 years and they remain friends yet today. He was very
generous to discuss this topic at length with me.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, father (with Jan
Hanson) of a 15-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter, and first
author of Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind,
and Intimate Relationships (Penguin, 2002).
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About The Author
Malti Bhojwani is a trained Life Coach, certified in Neuro
Linguistic Programming. She challenges her clients by phone
internationally, to re-own their wonderful attributes, which
they have "forgotten" using powerful techniques to help
discover strategies and create new ones. She works with you to
integrate conflicting parts, because she believes that we can
only truly move ahead when we are congruent! Call +61419
119900 or visit www.multi-coaching.com
malti@multi-coaching.com
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How
Children Learn
by: Shelley Ruiz
Nurture and Teach
The single most important thing caregivers can do for a child is
provide a nurturing environment. By doing this, we influence
children’s brain development and their ability to learn. Introducing
nurtured children to learning opportunities every day will help them
become happy, well-adjusted adults. In all stages of child
development, each experience builds on the one before it. The most
basic foundations can serve as the basis for the comprehension of
more complex ideas in future years.
Learning Begins at Birth
We are born with billions of brain cells – in fact, all we will
ever have. What is missing is a large amount of connections –
synapses – between those brain cells. Synapses start developing
based on a child’s experiences. Children’s brains develop faster
from birth to age three than any other time; and more learning takes
place during this time than any other. The more learning
opportunities parents provide for their children from birth until
school age, the more synapses are made. The connections will serve
as a pool of knowledge for a child to access in later years.
Because children’s earliest experiences affect how they will
think, learn and behave, helping children learn from birth to school
age is a crucial activity. Parents and other caregivers can create a
strong foundation for learning by providing a nurturing and rich
learning environment from the very beginning.
Children Seek Learning Experiences
Not only do children need to be physically active, it is their
nature to look for opportunities to learn. They participate in
learning by using their senses and asking countless questions in
order to more fully understand the task at hand.
Creating a Learning Environment
Children enjoy learning when they can master an activity. Begin
with a simple task and expand or complicate it after your child has
enjoyed some successes.
Create a safe and secure learning environment. This will help
children do their best learning rather than distract them. Key to
creating this environment is treating your child with respect and
caring.
Where Do Children Learn?
Children learn everywhere from school to the doctor’s office to
the grocery store. As do adults, children learn from interacting
with others and watching their parents’ behavior. Kids are highly
influenced by the people in their lives, especially adults who they
are close to.
Not All Children Learn in the Same Way
In the book Frame of Mind, Howard Gardner described his theory of
multiple intelligences. We all have a certain way we prefer to
learn. The seven multiple intelligences Gardner points to are
interpersonal, intrapersonal, bodily-kinesthetic, spatial, musical,
logical-mathematical and linguistic. We have the most success
teaching our children when we can recognize their style of learning
(as well as our style of teaching) and incorporate activities
accordingly.
Playing and Learning
The main way children collect and process information is through
play. Play is the repetition that reinforces old skills and
encourages new ones. Because play is enjoyable, children’s minds are
open. Children are capable of much learning through play because
they are very receptive and relaxed. Take advantage of this benefit
and select activities that are fun and educational. Your children
will learn, and you will both enjoy the experience.
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About The Author
Shelley Ruiz is a homeschooling parent and the owner of
Magic Lark Learning (www.magiclarklearning.com) which provides
parents and teachers with resources for making learning fun,
including a free quarterly online journal of poems and stories
for kids.
anything@magiclarklearning.com |
Five Tips
for Successful Grandparenting
by: Don Schmitz
1. Boundaries are necessary for control and safety.
All children need and must learn to respect boundaries. Being
clear about expectations before an activity begins frees you and the
child to enjoy the event and ensures the safety of everyone
involved. If you observe the boundaries are being violated, don’t be
afraid to remind your grandchildren again. Restate the rules as many
times as necessary. Writing the rules and posting them or bringing
them along is a good idea. If a rule is violated during the
activity, ask the child to repeat or read the rules again.
2. Gift giving is not a requirement of grandparenting.
Establish a practice with your first grandchild and stick with
it; what you do for one doesn’t necessarily have to be done for all.
Financial and family situations change as our children grow. If a
family experiences loss of a job or divorce, don’t be afraid to make
temporary changes. Gifts are gifts especially when they are
unexpected. Surprise gifts are the best. Gifts don’t have to cost a
lot. Research supports the fact that “time together” is the best
gift we can give. Travel provides time for the grandparent and
grandchildren to discover and appreciate each other’s gifts.
3. All rules must be consistent with parents’ wishes.
Anything you do with and for your grandchild needs to be
discussed first with the parents. After all, parents make the rules
and effective grandparents support them.
Don’t keep secrets from the parents and don’t ask the
grandchildren to keep secrets from their parents. Many grandparents
believe that some information should not be shared with the parents,
but this only undermines the relationships.
4. There is no substitute for planning.
Proper planning ensures that the activity will be discussed with
the parents. No matter what the age or sex of your grandchild,
planning makes any activity more successful. This is not to say you
can’t be spontaneous, but it’s often better and safer to have a
plan.
Discuss with the child what he or she would like to do. Give
careful thought to the age appropriateness of the activities before
you begin. Giving children choices increases their self-confidence
and is great training for the future.
5. Grandchildren and grandparents want to have fun!
There is no substitute for good old-fashioned belly laughs. It's
good for you, your grandchild and your relationship. During the
activity itself, share with your grandchildren how excited you are
about being with them.
Children enjoy getting away from their parents for short periods
of time and grandparents enjoy being part of a very important
relationship. Parents enjoy their break too.
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About The Author
Don Schmitz is a well-known writer and speaker on parenting
and grandparenting. He is the author of "The New face of
Grandprenting...Why Parents Need Their Own Parents" and
founder of Grandkidsandme, which includes: Grandparent Camps
and Grandkid Days. Don holds graduate degrees in Education,
Administration, Human Development and is father to three sons
and grandfather to four granddaughters. Contact Don Schmitz at
Don@grandkidsandme.com
http://www.grandkidsandme.com |
Mom Can I
Have The Car Keys?
by: News Canada
Parents find peace of mind with high-tech vehicle tracking system
(NC)—It's a question that makes most parents cringe. A teenager's
request to use the family vehicle can leave many parents feeling
worried and anxious. Familiar doubts inevitably start filling their
minds.
Will my child obey the rules of the road? Will they speed or
drive dangerously? Are they being truthful in their whereabouts?
Thanks to the latest technology in interactive vehicle tracking
by satellite, many parents can now feel at ease when handing over
their car keys to their teenage drivers. The latest entry in the
vehicle tracking industry, Canadian-based Vigil Locating Systems,
has had a major impact on the problem of vehicle theft due to its
unique high-tech interactive capabilities. It's these same
capabilities that have also benefited parents who can now better
control how their teenage kids use their vehicle.
Vigil's interactive satellite tracking system allows owners to
locate and control their vehicle with precision directly, without
intermediary, anywhere, anytime. Using the Internet site, for
example, you can follow your vehicle on detailed electronic maps by
means of a username and password, and operate any accessory or
sensor that is connected to the unit. You can monitor speeding,
driver aptitude as well as location of the vehicle. So if your son
is supposed to be playing basketball at the park, but the car is
mysteriously headed in another direction you will now about it
instantly.
The Vigil tracking system is designed to report events
automatically and in real-time, for quick response. As soon as a
vehicle is put into motion without authorization, including removal
by tow truck, starting with a rigged key or by short-circuiting the
ignition system, an alarm signal is instantaneously transmitted to a
remote Protectron Security 24-hour surveillance center. Once the
center receives the signal of unauthorized movement, you receive a
report of the event by telephone, cell, pager or Internet in
real-time.
It allows police to take action immediately, maximizing the
chance of finding the vehicle quickly, with little damage and with
your personal effects still in place. Other applications include
roadside assistance, road navigation in the vehicle, low battery
detection, intrusion detection and excessive speed notification.
Presently, most of the major insurance companies have already
recognized Vigil as a system which meets and even surpasses the
requirements in vehicle tracking by granting owners a 40 percent
rebate on their insurance premiums. For more information on
satellite tracking systems visit http://www.vigiltec.com
- News Canada
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About The Author
News
Canada provides a wide selection of current, ready-to-use
copyright free news stories and ideas for Television, Print,
Radio, and the Web.
News
Canada is a niche service in public relations, offering
access to print, radio, television, and now the Internet
media, with ready-to-use, editorial "fill" items. Monitoring
and analysis are two more of our primary services. The service
supplies access to the national media for marketers in the
private, the public, and the not-for-profit sectors. Your
corporate and product news, consumer tips and information are
packaged in a variety of ready-to-use formats and are made
available to every Canadian media organization including
weekly and daily newspapers, cable and commercial television
stations, radio stations, as well as the Web sites Canadians
visit most often. Visit News Canada and learn more about the NC
services. |
Keeping the
Stress out of Single Parenting
by: Marta Dodd
Researched through personal experience! by Marta Dodd
Budget Your Money. Even if you are living paycheck to paycheck
like most of us, knowing how much money goes to where can be a big
help. This gives you the relief that the bills are being paid, with
a feel of how much you can spend on allowance, school photos,
birthday gifts, entertainment or just You!
Keep a Daily Schedule. Time is important, so teach that to the
kids by implementing a routine. Put together a schedule reflecting
chore & homework time. If the kids know their daily routine then
it gives them something fun to work for when the Room is clean or
the garbage is taken out. Don’t be afraid to make your own chores so
that your children see you set a positive example.
Let Your Kids be Kids. Even though taking on Single Parenting has
sometimes forced you to become serious and lacking laughter,
remember those precious children never asked to be in this
situation. Don’t force them to grow up any faster and deal with the
“Single Parent Issues” that we have to deal with. They are still
kids and they shouldn’t have to worry about anything other than “Kid
Issues.”
Stay Positive about the Other Parent. No matter the
circumstances, don’t down talk the other parent. If the Other Parent
isn’t paying child support, it’s none of the kids business and
shouldn’t be something that is talked about if not brought up by the
child. Whether the parent is around or away, it shouldn’t matter. We
once saw good in that person and regardless of how it is now, your
child may always think the world of that Other Parent. In time the
truth always comes out, and the only way a child will know is
discovering for themselves.
Communicate to Your Children About the Special Circumstances of
Your Family. You can keep your kids informed without telling them
everything. If you talk to your kids early on, when they are ready,
you can avoid having them learn from a distant relative, some other
child from school or even a stranger.
Spend Quality Time with Your Children. Keeping your family going
takes a lot of energy and a good amount of Quality time away from
the kids. Set out a time each day to read, play a game, play on the
computer or even learn something new. It could be 2 hours or 20
minutes. What matters is that your child know it’s his/her time and
they will look forward to each and every day.
Find Support and Use it. There is a lot of help out there,
including the resources in this newsletter. Take advantage of them.
They’re there for you to utilize. I always keep in mind that one day
soon I won’t need them and I can turn around and help others in the
same situation.
Take Time for Yourself. You may always have your children around,
but don’t forget you are still one person. Keep yourself healthy and
feeling positive about being a parent. I know it gets tough and you
feel like you are all alone, but you’re not. Take some time out to
spend with yourself or even to hang out with friends. Adult
conversation and a movie is always nice after a long Saturday of
nonstop giggling and cartoons!
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About The Author
Marta Dodd is a Single mom and Webmaster of www.navygirl.com and www.onemilitaryparent.com. She has been a
single mom for 12 years and is also serving in the United
States Naval Reserve. Balancing Single Parenthood and the
military is a challenging task which she shares with the
world. Stop by her website and see what this ambitious lady is
up to! |
When Time Out
Don't Work
by: Jennifer L Gove
Joey steps away from his time out chair “I won’t sit!” His mother
is frustrated and throws her hands in the air..Time out is just not
working for this mom. Many kids do not respond to time out so what
do parents do???
- Let the discipline reflect the behavior
Some children respond well to discipline that is structured
around what they did wrong. An example of this is a child that draws
on the wall is asked to help with the clean up. There for they
understand that what they did creates work for them self and there
is a consequence for what they did.
- Point out what’s good
Many children respond to being told when they are doing well and
being praised for it. Watch your child for when they do some thing
good such as sitting quietly reading tell them “I like it when you
sit and read like this, you are being such a good boy right now. ”
You will find the good behaviors that you point out will happen more
often.
- Don’t say Don’t
Children tend not to hear the word don’t. If you say “Don’t jump
on the sofa” A child many times in the excitement filters out the
“don’t “ aspect, and they hear “Jump on the sofa!” instead replace
it with “Sofas are for sitting Please sit down.”
- Give time
Children do not easily switch gears like adults can. Many times
what sets a child up for bad behavior is many times a reaction to a
quickly changing from a task they enjoy to another .Giving your
child a warning of a change a few minutes ahead can help. “Timmy,
you may play blocks for ten more minutes then we will put on our
coats and go to the market.” This gives your child time to switch
gears.
Every child is different .They make you have to be creative until
you find some thing that works, and the next day you have to be
creative again, because they change all the rules.
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